Your Teen Not Listening? Try Listening to Them First

Raising children may be the toughest job there is. Ask a parent, and you’ll often hear, “I can’t get my teenager to listen to me.” Ask a teenager, and you’ll often hear, “My parents never listen to my side.” Both can be true at the same time, and that is the good news. When both sides feel unheard, communication is how the gap gets bridged.

How the gap grows

Many parents will say their teenager thinks they have all the answers. Teens often believe their friends know best, and it may not occur to them that a parent could have something useful to say. Meanwhile, parents have busy schedules, and it’s easy to miss chances to talk about the day with a teen. Teens are absorbed in their own world and often don’t talk through their problems at home.

When feelings don’t get discussed, the issues don’t go away. They pile up and get worse over time. Resentment builds, and avoidance starts to look like the easiest option for everyone. Feelings get hurt but never get talked about, and the whole family feels the strain.

What listening can change

Think about how you treat a friend who comes to you with a problem. Most of us listen first and offer help once they ask, “What do you think I should do?” That approach opens up the conversation, and the talk turns into a chance to share ideas, feelings, and possible solutions.

Now think about what could happen if you gave your child the same treatment. Listen to them, share how you feel, and let them know you believe the two of you can get through this together. That could be the start of growing closer and working through problems as a team, instead of guessing what’s going on and constantly facing an angry, resistant teenager.

Start by letting them be heard

You may see the problem clearly from the very beginning. Even so, you have a better chance of being heard if you start by letting your child know they’ve been heard. Talk about how they must be feeling, and then work out the issue together.