Why Does Everything Seem Like an Argument?

Have you ever felt like nobody listens to you? Maybe you feel like you are being ignored, or even purposely neglected. Most of us have felt that way at some point—at home, at work, at school, or even with friends. It is a common experience, but if we don't deal with it, it can easily turn into something much bigger.

When we feel unheard, our self-esteem and confidence can take a hit. We begin to wonder, Does what I say really matter? Does anyone care about how I feel? And when those feelings build up, what starts as a simple disagreement can quickly become an argument.

So, how do we keep that from happening?

We talk—but we learn to talk differently.

Instead of allowing our voices to get louder, our tempers to flare, and our relationships to slowly drift apart, we can choose to value the relationship more than winning the argument. Communication should give us a way to correct what we are saying, explain what we mean, and give purpose to the conversation. We can discuss the problem and, more importantly, share how we feel about the problem.

There is a big difference between saying “You don't understand me,” and saying “I feel like you don't understand what I'm trying to say.”

There is also a difference between “You never see things my way,” and “I feel like you are seeing this situation differently than I am, and I would like you to hear my side.”

The first statements sound like accusations. The second statements open the door to a conversation. This becomes especially important in families.

For teenagers living at home, there are always going to be issues. Maybe the music is too loud. Maybe the television is turned up too high. Maybe there are problems at school. Parents may question certain friends or worry about choices their teenager is making. Sometimes the teenager feels that the parents are overreacting, while the parents feel they are simply trying to protect their child.

None of these issues have to ruin a family relationship.

The problem may not be the issue itself. The problem may be how the issue is being handled.

When tempers rise, words can become a defense mechanism. We say things we don't really mean because we feel attacked. Then the other person becomes defensive, and suddenly nobody is listening anymore. The original problem gets lost in the argument.

But what if we stopped for a moment?

What if we took the time to quietly and respectfully explain what we were feeling? What if we listened to the other person's feelings instead of immediately preparing our response?

Many times, when an issue is discussed calmly, both sides discover that they are not as far apart as they thought.

And sometimes the answer is simply compromise.

I remember when I was a teenager I had the responsibility of cleaning the kitchen. Over time, it became frustrating. I didn't think the situation was fair, and apparently my brother wasn't thrilled with his responsibility either. But until we actually talked about it, neither of us knew how the other person felt.

Once we discussed it, we came up with a simple solution. My brother and I alternated between vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen.

It was a small problem but solving that small problem taught us something important: talking your way through a problem can be much more productive than fighting about it.

Those little disagreements gave my family an opportunity to practice communicating. Eventually, we could use those same skills when bigger problems came along.

That is what good communication can do.

It doesn't mean we will always agree. It doesn't mean one person is always right and the other person is always wrong. It means we can disagree without destroying the relationship.

Sometimes we need to learn a new language—not a different spoken language, but a different way of expressing ourselves.

Instead of “You never listen”, we can say “I feel like I'm not being heard.”

Instead of “You don't understand”, we can say “I'd like to explain why this is important to me.”

Instead of defending ourselves, we can listen.

And sometimes, we simply need to say “I'm sorry.”

Those two words can go a long way toward repairing a relationship.

Every family will have disagreements. Every friendship will have misunderstandings. Every relationship will have moments when someone feels unheard. The goal isn't to eliminate every conflict. The goal is to learn how to handle conflict differently.

When we learn to talk about our feelings, listen to someone else's feelings, accept that change may be necessary, and find room for compromise, the argument doesn't have to be the end of the conversation. It can actually become the beginning of understanding.

Maybe the question isn't “Why does everything seem like an argument?”.

Maybe the better question is...

"How can we learn to talk to each other so it doesn't have to become one?”